is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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