The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
