I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
