How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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