I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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