why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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