If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
