I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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