This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy