Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
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Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.