just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
