Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off