It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
