There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
