my vag is so smooth its legendary
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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