I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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