Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
