I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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