i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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