I think i sorta joined a cult last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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