The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
