yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
