She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
