oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
