NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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