Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
