she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
