i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
