I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
