Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
