hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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