I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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