I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
