never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
