She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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