Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
