I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
