i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
the raccoons are back...
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