dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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