and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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