By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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