I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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