And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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