Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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