When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
