This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
