Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
