May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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