Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
