chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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