Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
