He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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