Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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