My ATM looks so different sober.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
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I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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