don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He shit in the fireplace
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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