WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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