i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
