that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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