Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
