so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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