I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
