stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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