Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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