I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My cat gives me a boner
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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