I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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